My first reaction when I learned that my ex-husband found my little oasis was that I needed to begin yet ANOTHER place for my musings however, I said fuck it. If he is so inclined to torture himself then so be it. I shouldn't have to alter/edit/withhold because if his morbid curiosity. So here it is. Here I am. No more secrets.

The VP my friend wants to set me up with will be in town in a couple of weeks. He's 40, never been married, a triathlete, into music and VERY wealthy which BEGS the question, what the hell is wrong with him? I am approaching with extreme trepidation however an affluent VP that lives in another state could very well be what the doctor ordered. I wonder if he has a boat? Does that make me shallow? Although money will not be what attracts me nor will it be a factor that keeps me, it IS an added bonus and I would be lying if I said otherwise.

Are men just as worried about rejection which is the reason behind their (seemingly) indifference towards us? Do they play the part of asshole because if they don't the fickle female isn't attracted to them or am I extending credit when credit isn't due? If however that IS the case can men and women PLEASE have a meeting of the minds to discuss our similarities because how much nicer would it be to not have to work so goddamn hard at keeping your sanity.

I'm not feeling this tonight...

I've been single for approximately thirty seconds and I am already fed up. Really people? Is THIS what dating is all about? No. Fuck that. Not EVEN dating. I cannot even fathom what dating is going to look like when a casual friendship between a man and a woman brings stupid games and enough mixed signals to render one dizzy. Is THIS what I have to look forward to because if it is just shoot me now.

Maybe men have conditioned themselves to act like children because they are used to dealing with insecure women that require A LOT of work and attention. I am afraid that I am paying for the emotional sins of my female counterparts. I do not need or want the coddling that my gender demands but I WOULD appreciate a little bit of honesty and respect.

Lyrics from the song that is playing right now, "Sex and love is not a game. A game is something you can win. And maybe something kind of fun. Cause love is just a bloodsport". I laughed out loud.

I am pretty certain that I am dealing with an infant at this point and rule no. 6 on the, my standards are probably way to high and I will probably end up lonely with cats, list is, NO SMALL CHILDREN!

So I am pretty sure 30 year old bartender enjoys my company for more reasons than just sex. At this point I am pretty much a, "sure thing" therefore I have to believe the affection he was showing last night while we were out was genuine and not some sort of ruse to try to get me into bed. Who the hell knows though. I have come to learn that I am not equipped with enough wisdom to try to figure out another human being let alone a human being with a penis.

I don't want a relationship but I do miss a lot of those things I am afraid only come as dealer options in the boyfriend/girlfriend model. Things like, falling asleep with and waking up next to someone. Having someone make and serve me breakfast. And then there is the whole, starting a movie but not being able to finish because you cant keep your hands off one another phenomenon. And by wanting those things, I cant help but wonder if making grand statements about NOT wanting a relationship is a fucking lie I am telling myself so those days and nights when I would rather be with someone it doesn't feel so lonely.

I have not yet learned the rules of engagement nor have I mastered the delicate dance single people are required to participate in. I have been on my own for about three weeks now and I am already tired.

I certainly hope the next guy I date doesnt leave me questioning my own judgment because Jesus Christ! The ex is fucking certifiable and all I can help but think is, thank god and everyone else I live in a different state. I am pretty sure that had we coexisted in the same general vicinity there would be little pieces of me scattered all about the tri-state area. Honestly though, the thing that I DO worry about from him is a self inflicted bullet wound to roof of the mouth. And NOT because he cant necessarily live without me but rather to try to leave me with unbridled guilt for the rest of my life. He's selfish enough to to do it. I wouldnt be all that surprised if I got that call one day.

Im going to see a show with 30 yr. old bartender on Sunday. 30 yr. old bartender that accompanied me to the mountains. 30 yr. old bartender that makes parts of me quiver recalling what he did to me. What I hope will be done again. and again. and again. I enjoy spending time with him but I hope I am not giving the impression that I am trying to find husband no. 2. And I dont even know why I dont want him to think I am interested. I am but I'm not. I dont know. I guess I sit here and wonder what a 30 yr. old bartender could see in me. A divorcee with a 14 yr. old kid. Okay so there's the sex and maybe thats all that there is but we do have fun with one another so it is just weird to me.

I guess what I ultimately need to remember is, this doesnt have to be anything other than two people hanging out. Two people that are friends enjoying each others company. Friends that at the end of the day can fuck like champion porn stars.

I need to get out of my head.

This weekend was phenomenal. A cabin tucked away in the mountains, a hot tub, lots of liquor and some of the best sex I have ever had. It was supposed to be a weekend alone. A weekend to spend with my thoughts, my writing and my photography. Instead, it turned into a weekend spent with someone with whom is my sexual equal and now I am afraid that my journey as a single woman has begun on a high note with nowhere to go but DOWN.

I have very high standards with regards to the people I spend my time with and to find that perfect storm of a man I can only assume will be next to impossible. And if I am being completely honest, over everything else, I am MORE worried that I wont be able to find a man that I am compatible with on a sexual level than I am am about finding one that I connect with on a cerebral/emotional level.

I wish I had the energy to expound on this subject however I am tired and in pain and probably need to sleep.

I was going to introduce a cast of characters however, I am toying with the idea of creating a new place for my ramblings. There are persons who have a reoccurring role in this sitcom I call my life with whom I am not comfortable writing in front of so it remains to be seen if or how long I will call this my home.

Mountains, booze, hot tub and me so who knows what the hell will come out of that be it from my lens or from my fingers.

My one and only, recently single, (girl)friend was explaining to me that she went to Victoria Secret to purchase new panties for what is probably to be a generous helping of rebounds and I wanted to puke. New panties? Really? Are guys really hung up on that kind of shit? Is it possible to give up before even starting? Perhaps I shouldnt even concern myself with things that are to come (much) later down the road but right now I cant help but to think about what exactly my future has in store for me.

36 and single.....one word. Fuck!

And I wish I could be a little bit more eloquent than, "fuck" but truly, there are no words to describe the sheer magnitude for 36 and single. And not only single but single for the first time in literally, it's been so long I cannot recall the last time I was alone. And if we're being honest, I'm not even sure I have EVER been truly single except for that time when I was 9 and really concentrating on the 4th grade. And even if I COULD remember being single, the only thing that remains the same from way back when are my fingerprints.

To even think that perhaps one day in the very far off future there might be a day when I toy with the possibility of the idea that dating could potentially be an option that I could be interested in, breeds nothing but anxiety and fear. Can a douche bag smell fear like a shark smells blood? Where is the chainmail, cage and spear gun when a girl needs em?

The woman I have become is only a slight iteration of the girl I used to be. The rules that I SORT of remember about dating might as well have been penned with quill and ink on parchment paper. Boys are now technically men and I am in my sexual prime.

Jesus Christ....we are in trouble!