I certainly hope the next guy I date doesnt leave me questioning my own judgment because Jesus Christ! The ex is fucking certifiable and all I can help but think is, thank god and everyone else I live in a different state. I am pretty sure that had we coexisted in the same general vicinity there would be little pieces of me scattered all about the tri-state area. Honestly though, the thing that I DO worry about from him is a self inflicted bullet wound to roof of the mouth. And NOT because he cant necessarily live without me but rather to try to leave me with unbridled guilt for the rest of my life. He's selfish enough to to do it. I wouldnt be all that surprised if I got that call one day.

Im going to see a show with 30 yr. old bartender on Sunday. 30 yr. old bartender that accompanied me to the mountains. 30 yr. old bartender that makes parts of me quiver recalling what he did to me. What I hope will be done again. and again. and again. I enjoy spending time with him but I hope I am not giving the impression that I am trying to find husband no. 2. And I dont even know why I dont want him to think I am interested. I am but I'm not. I dont know. I guess I sit here and wonder what a 30 yr. old bartender could see in me. A divorcee with a 14 yr. old kid. Okay so there's the sex and maybe thats all that there is but we do have fun with one another so it is just weird to me.

I guess what I ultimately need to remember is, this doesnt have to be anything other than two people hanging out. Two people that are friends enjoying each others company. Friends that at the end of the day can fuck like champion porn stars.

I need to get out of my head.